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Illinois School Board Journal
July/August 2001

Ground rules for life
Who you are is not what you do -
but maybe it should be

By David W. Smith

A sense of well-being and knowing that you have added value - whether on the job, in the board room or for our families and communities - has more to do with how we live than how we work.

Rarely does someone fail personally or professionally because of a lack of some skill or expertise. More likely failure results from not getting along well with others. How we connect one-on-one with individuals who flow in and out of our lives affects everything from sibling rivalry to conflict between competing members of a local school board.

How people think and behave in relationships is more important than the knowledge or professional competency they accumulate. The most important condition common to each circumstance of human interaction is usually the personalities of the individuals involved. Personality conflict is usually at the heart of conflict between a superintendent and school board.

Who you are, how you think and feel and how you behave toward others are more consequential than a job description or educational and professional accomplishments. It's taken a long time, but I've finally discovered that I want quality communication with others, not only for vocational networking, but also for enjoyment and personal growth.

I'm learning I need other people, not just for what they may know or how they may assist me with my work, but I need others holistically. I'm now more impressed with people who are kind than with people who are smart, and I have a great deal to learn from those who are kind.

Education for knowing is not the same as education for being. How we feel and behave toward others is more significant than knowledge we may have assembled. We can benefit by being more attentive to learning and relearning simple truths about how to live and work together.

Perhaps we need to focus less on school board mission statements and district improvement plans and more on school climate and culture and the importance of nurturing better interpersonal relationships. To do so may reduce the level of conflict and misunderstanding between and among school groups.

As individuals, we are far more similar than we are different, even though we tend to give more attention to the relatively few differences than we do to the many similarities. Similar basic needs go far beyond safety and security concerns. Regardless of how we define ourselves with ethnicity, religion, politics, education, vocation or gender, we all possess similar essential needs.

We all need to belong - to feel we fit somewhere with some group where we don't fear or experience rejection. We all need to feel safe. We all need to understand others and be understood. Surely, I need to know that what I believe about my world is understood by at least a few significant other people in my life.

We also need to accomplish something worthwhile. We need to feel that what we do somehow adds value and will leave some small legacy. There is also a need for faith in our lives that helps bring meaning and purpose. We all have several essential human needs that are largely the same. What I need, you need, too.

Since we're more similar than different, there should be several human behaviors that, when practiced, have the power to change relationships for the better whether at home, work or school, or within school board meetings.

These fundamental behaviors can be summarized as 10 common characteristics: powerful, simple ground rules for better working and living. It's taken me a long time, but I think I have finally learned to identify and value the following basic ground rules for living life well. They might not be new or particularly profound, but they are a reminder of what is really important.

1. Accept others as I find them and free myself from what I believe a person ought to be. I need to be quick to find good in others, to encourage instead of criticize.

2. Empathize. Show people I care and can really identify with their needs and feelings.

3. Listen assertively. Reading, writing and speaking are not the only communication skills we should teach our students and ourselves. I need to listen well because the other person deserves it, and I'll learn more by doing so.

4. Do the right thing, even if it's inconvenient or unpopular. Do I mean what I say and can others count on me to be trustworthy?

5. Keep commitments. To commit is to remove the back door to a relationship. Rather than head for the exit at the first sign of trouble or inconvenience, I need to better commit to work on the inevitable problems that occur with all close relationships: within marriage, close friendships or even at a school board meeting.

6. Be straightforward. An Eastern proverb says, "A friend is someone who warns you." This is candor, which has the other person's best interest at heart. No false flattery here. King Lear's third daughter was the candid one. When others know I care about them and have their best interest at heart, relationships become less superficial and more enjoyable.

7. Constantly monitor my desire to win and to impress others. I should: pick battles carefully; be less dogmatic; cut others some slack; not take myself too seriously; not always insist on my way; be more concerned with the people around me than making my point or winning an argument. It was said somewhat negatively of Teddy Roosevelt that he wanted to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral.

8. Treat others with dignity. I need to respect the inherent worth of others. Like Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman, we all need respect. In the 18th century, English politician Edmund Burke wrote, "Manners and kindness are more important than laws." I need to deal more gently with those I meet along the way.

9. Be more generous and outgoing. When I seek the well-being of others, happiness returns to me indirectly. I actually feel better when I go out of my way to be helpful to someone. The mark of a holy person is one who freely gives and forgives.

10. Show enthusiasm, a positive attitude and a sense of humor. It will give me a zest for life and make me more fun to be around.

I think almost everyone wants to behave responsibly in relationships, but some are held back by early socialization and perhaps a culture that holds material things as more important than relationships. And we may be predisposed to demonstrate independence and individual strength to conceal our emotions.

Men may be most susceptible to these relationship barriers. They need connectedness but resist for fear of losing personal freedom. The song lyrics from Me and Bobby McGee say, "freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." To go through life keeping my options open yields isolation and loneliness, not freedom.

Now, let's think about how to best embrace these rules as we go about our daily activities at school and in every other area of life. If we really attempt to practice these 10 ground rules for living, we may be more vulnerable to rejection, indifference, deceptions and other kinds of unfairness.

But if we make an honest effort to apply these basic virtues for living whether at work, in the boardroom, with our families or in the community, we could be happier and more satisfied while enriching the lives of others around us. That's a good result.