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Illinois School Board Journal
September-October 1999
Raising healthy teenagers
by Judith Corvin-Blackburn
Judith Corvin-Blackburn, LCSW, has been guiding people to mental, spiritual and emotional health for more than 25 years. In addition to her private psycho-therapy practice, she presents workshops on various topics, has been an adjunct faculty member of Lincoln Land Community College, and is author of the book: Journey to Wholeness: A Guide to Inner Healing. She can be reached at 217/527-1148.
The tragic shootings at Columbine High School in Colorado this spring focused national attention on teenagers. As a nation, we are searching for answers. How can we listen and speak more effectively to teens? What is creating such intense feelings of being overwhelmed, angry, and stressed out for this generation of adolescents and how can we intervene? Why are such large numbers of our youth being put on medication? How can our social norms and educational policies better serve these young people?
In our search for answers and solutions, we must realize that all children need an environment where they are appreciated for their individual gifts and offered guidance in how to use those gifts in the world. This is especially true for teenagers.
We also need to develop and foster social norms which allow teens to become aware of their weaknesses and feel safe about acknowledging them without suffering a loss of self-esteem. This can only happen in an atmosphere which provides unconditional love and acceptance. Instead, all too often, families and schools deal with teenagers in a critical, judgmental and suspicious manner -- just the opposite of what they need for healthy development.
Theorists studying human development have identified two primary tasks which need to be completed in adolescence for people to become healthy adults. These are establishing a sense of identity, and going through the process of individuation -- recognizing the self as an individual entity, differentiated from their parents and other authority figures -- in order to become self-regulating, self-motivated, and truly self-sufficient.
To form identity, teens need to develop a strong sense of who they really are. They have to learn what makes them tick and what makes them unique. They need to be guided through a process of self-knowledge and unfoldment, for this is how we gain a deep understanding of our individuality.
The second developmental task, individuating, is an essential process which is rarely addressed in our culture. In order to move fully into adulthood, teens must successfully separate from their parents and parental values to find their own identities and their own values. No matter how strong and positive a family's values may be, if its teenagers are not free to question and seek other points of view for themselves, the individuation process simply cannot occur. If teenagers see that their parents' values are based on love and have created both a positive home environment and a fulfilling life for the parents, these children will develop similar values themselves. But if the process of seeking and question is not encouraged, the teenager must break away and leave the family behind for true entry into adulthood to become possible.
If parents are unclear about their own values, teenagers look next to the school system and other social institutions. Ideally, schools need to provide a way for students to safely set out on their quest for self and their own life philosophy. If schools create a punitive atmosphere filled with faculty and administrators who are not, themselves, self-aware, and therefore do not know how to foster this quality in their students, where does a teenager turn?
Even though it may be threatening to adults, it is developmentally normal for teenagers to experiment, to take minor risks, to break minor rules, to challenge existing rules, and to question authority. If an adolescent is not doing this, there is cause for concern. On the other hand, there is a big difference between experimentation and self-destructive behavior. It is experimental to drink a beer or cut a class. It is self-destructive to get drunk or cut school all the time. Helping teenagers differentiate, and listening to their own analysis, is very important.
This is the difference between guidance and control. When we simply control, we impose our rules based on fear and judgment. When we guide teenagers, we listen to their perspectives and respond in an accepting and loving way, while sharing whatever concerns we have about their behavior and giving them options which will make them safer.
Although we are much more aware now than we were in the 1950s and early 1960s, we as a society still dishonor our children, especially our teenagers -- in some ways, more than ever. The nature of policies in many high schools and the ways they are enforced deeply dishonor the spirits of our children. It is no wonder the children respond in the way they do. To not be seen, honored and appreciated for yourself, for who you truly are, is a very painful thing. And we have a whole generation of young people in pain.
How we can help
In order for our teenagers to develop in a healthy way, there are four basic areas which need to be addressed.
First, the ability to speak our truth and trust that it will be honored.
Second, to help our teenagers develop a sense of personal power.
Third, to give them models of healthy romantic relationships.
Fourth, to help them develop characteristics which will lead them to a career or calling which reflects their unique gifts. They need to be able to view themselves as able to make a meaningful contribution to the overall well-being of our society.
Given the length limitations of this article, I will only expand upon the first two points.
As a culture, we seem generally threatened when teenagers speak their truth. We get angry when they talk back, when they question or challenge our authority, when they point out our contradictions and what is unfair about our rules. We should be rewarding them for this - this is exactly what they need to do to be healthy. We don't have to agree with their point of view to honor it. We don't even need necessarily to change our rules, although I personally would recommend being open to doing so where warranted. Remember, more often than not, teenagers have an important point and we need to be open and flexible to earn their respect and give them fair, but not oppressive guidelines.
Just because they have ideas that may scare us doesn't mean they don't have a right to them.
It's uncomfortable to hear that teachers aren't giving teenagers what they need or are relating to them in a deprecating or inappropriate way. It's uncomfortable to be challenged at every decision to be asked what function each rule serves, and then to b
e told that it's unnecessary or won't work anyway. It's unpleasant to hear what we've done wrong, how we've failed the children we deeply care about. But if we refuse to listen and treat their voices respectfully, if we don't respond from our own hearts, teenagers will either rebel or conform. Rebellion, in many ways psychologically healthier, can lead to danger. Conforming, on the other hand, can cause serious damage to the spirit.
Teenagers don't always express their truths in the way adults would prefer. They may use strong language, they may look at adults with disdain. These are ways they help themselves feel less vulnerable and less hurt.
Authentic voice is the ability to speak from your heart, from the deepest reaches of yourself, without fear of ridicule or disapproval. When we give up authentic voice, and most of us have, we give up the ability to be whole healthy persons. Because most of us have been discouraged from speaking our deepest feelings and beliefs, or worse, humiliated when we do, we are uncomfortable when our children do so. Maybe we get scared that they won't fit in, that they will be misfits, so we try to socialize them in the way we were socialized.
New ways
But remember, the world is shifting rapidly. The old ways do not work. Today's teenagers who speak their truth (whether or not their peers, teachers or parents can understand it) may well be the leaders of tomorrow because they will still be creative and sentient enough to forge crucial new ground.
When we lose our ability to speak our truth, we become disconnected from our essence. As adults we need to acknowledge this and as educators and parents we need to help our kids and ourselves reconnect. For our children, we need to allow some talking back, ideally giving them a forum where the talk can happen in a calm and respectful way, while still having some tolerance for "bad" language and angry expressions. We need to encourage our children to challenge us as a way for them (and us) to learn. We need to share our feelings and encourage teens to do the same without becoming punitive or over-reactive when they express thoughts or feelings we don't want them to have. We need to become educated and to educate about feelings. We need to model authentic voice, for how else can we teach our children to speak from their hearts in a respectful way?
We are used to playing by the rules and not saying what we believe deep in our hearts. We are so socialized to fit in, we often are not in touch with our authentic voice. I think teens intuitively know this. If we truly want to help our teens, we need to help ourselves develop authentic voice as well. You might want to practice observing yourself going through your day-to-day life and notice when you speak from your heart and when you speak reflexively or say things you think you "should" say.
Developing authentic voice is an essential part of the quest for solidifying one's identity and becoming a fully individualized person. Until we claim this, we have not truly entered adulthood. One way schools can facilitate this process is to offer groups where teenagers can really speak their truth. In order for this to happen, the adults in charge must commit to the following criteria:
No judgment, no shaming, and no blaming. Negatively judging teenagers' behavior or ideas does not help guide them in the right direction. This is not guidance! Being judged makes us feel bad, which in turn, creates a sense of shame, guilt and anger. Teens sometimes engage in dangerous or risky behavior. If we point this out lovingly, emphasizing the negative impact the behavior will have on this person's well-being, we have a chance to change the behavior. Judgment, on the other hand, is sure to be counterproductive.
Maintain confidentiality. This is a basic right and needs to be unconditionally honored. The only exception, which needs to be clearly stated ahead of time, is if a child is being abused or doing something so dangerous you fear for their safety and that of others around them. Trusting adults is difficult enough for teenagers, trusting an adult who judges them or who gossips about them simply will not happen.
Don't overreact. A teenager who shares he or she is sexually active, does not need to hear moralizing or fear-based imperatives. And, teenagers who share this kind of information do not need to hear they are heading for disaster because this simply may not be the case. They do need encouragement and, in some cases, specific advice about staying safe from disease and pregnancy. They need an adult who can help them assess if the relationship they are in is loving and respectful, or if their sexual activity is dishonoring themselves, or simply is too soon for them. This needs to be communicated in a loving, non-judging way in order to have any positive effect. The same strategy is important if a teenager shares some drug or alcohol use. We want to keep the lines of communication open, and help them assess what is truly dangerous, and what behaviors might fall into the category of experimentation.
Unconditional positive regard. This means the adults consistently honor the body, mind, emotions and spirit of adolescents, speaking to the best in them, while encouraging them away from self-destructive or other destructive behavior.
Safe speech
To provide a safe place to talk about issues and feelings, those working with teenage groups could use the concept of a truth circle from the Native American tradition. An item is identified as a "talking stick." Then a topic for the day is chosen, ideally in a democratic manner with some guidance from the group facilitator. The talking stick is then passed around the group. Whoever has the stick has the floor and is encouraged to speak from the heart on this particular topic. All participants always have the right to pass the stick on without speaking, but if they choose to speak, no one can interrupt them (or later judge them) and they must speak their truth. As the stick goes around the circle several times, participants will begin to make deeper and more meaningful connections. If the group meets the criteria I have outlined above, this process can do wonders in helping a teenager develop an authentic voice.
Intervention
In many cases, teenagers have not been able to complete the necessary developmental tasks before they reach adolescence -- and in these cases, adolescence is even more traumatic. These are the violent or withdrawn kids, the teens who are coming to school high or drunk or not coming at all, the kids on the run, the kids who have no sexual boundaries.
It is beyond the scope of this article to delve into this issue, but it is essential that anyone working with teenagers and setting policy for teenagers understand that the normal self-consciousness and sensitivity of adolescence is challenging enough in itself. When a child has unresolved wounds and trauma from an earlier stage of life, adolescence can be intolerable without caring intervention. I believe experiences such as talk circles will help, but in such cases, more focused intervention is needed as well.
Being an adolescent is complex and often difficult. Working with adolescents is equally so. To complicate the process further, we live in a world which is changing at breakneck speed. The search for identity and the process of individuation are more challenging and simultaneously more important for teens now than at any time in our history. Our families, our institutions, and our society are changing as we are swept into the next millennium. We do not know what our future will be like, only that it will be different than our present.
Teenagers know this -- yet we rarely discuss these issues with them. We don't talk to them about the skills and qualities that will allow them to adapt and take control of their own lives, no matter what tomorrow brings. We don't acknowledge that qualities such as cooperation and open-heartedness may well be more essential to our survival than competitiveness and drive. No wonder they are frightened and angry.
It is clear to those willing to look that there are deep problems at the core of our society. Our young people are adrift in a world filled with adults who operate from a state of fear and confusion. Because it is rare for adults to admit this, even to ourselves, we have responded to our internal state by rigidly imposing external structures which inhibit rather than encourage healthy development. We have opted for government and school policies based on zero tolerance, over-control, irrelevant rules, and inappropriate consequences, and we are losing our teenagers by the minute.
Teenagers and power
Teenagers, when treated unfairly, have enormous access to rage. This rage feels protective to them -- their only defense against being hurt. It creates an illusion of power for those feeling internally powerless. Now with the Internet, these teens have access to unbelievable stores of information and to like-minded and like-wounded comrades. This fuels their rage. Given easy access to guns, they are now able to act their anger out in terrifying ways.
Generally, we think in terms of taking power away from teenagers by controlling and containing them. Ironically, many of the problems of adolescents would be better addressed by helping them become empowered.
Empowerment is an inner state of knowing one is in charge of oneself and one's life. In this state, we feel confident we can create positive outcomes in both personal and worldly endeavors. Because large numbers of adults in our society do not feel empowered, our teenagers are lacking important adult models.
The teenage years can be deceptive in terms of empowerment. Those who act most powerful may actually be feeling extremely powerless. Misuse of power is a sign of lack of empowerment. So is ongoing manipulative behavior, whether expressed through "power tripping" friends, charming or intimidating others to do it their way, playing the bully or the victim, or lying in order to achieve a particular end.
Empowering teenagers is not likely to send them on shooting rampage. Just the opposite. Teenagers who feel empowered do not make self-destructive or other destructive choices. They may not make the choices we want them to make, but they are not destructive.
Our schools are typically structured not to empower children or teens. In general, we give them no real decision-making power. Usually student councils do not affect important policies. School newspapers are censored for content, not just language.
We often do not teach skills to empower teenagers. In families, parents typically do not negotiate with each other or with their children to create fair and reasonable rules and limits. Both these scenarios tend not to develop feelings of empowerment.
Here are some ways to encourage teens to have a sense of personal power.
1. Believe absolutely that each child has good intentions and that troubled teens can turn their lives around. If we don't believe this, neither will they.
2. Appreciate their uniqueness -- everyone is truly special. It is the nonconformist who will most easily be able to adapt in a changing world. We need to begin to reconsider the value of "fitting in."
3. Validate teenagers' perceptions. Teenagers tend to express themselves in very dramatic ways -- but they may be seeing some truth we are avoiding. Even if we don't agree with them, their perceptions are based on their view of the world and must be respected.
4. Recognize and acknowledge their strengths.
5. Be nonjudgmental and accepting of weaknesses. Reframing a so-called negative characteristic can do wonders. For example, a teen who is always in trouble for her defiant behavior does not need to be told she is difficult. Instead, we might tell her she is high-spirited and independent, while pointing out ways to use this quality for her well-being.
For adolescents to maintain a sense of personal power, we need to provide them with an environment which is fair and where rules are made for their well-being, not our comfort or convenience. It is important to explore and experiment in adolescence.
We tend to be scared to let them do that these days because the stakes seem so much higher, so we come up with policies such as zero tolerance. Such policies not only do not work, they are counterproductive. They are almost impossible to enforce fairly. They take up a lot of administrative time which could be put to better use.
What is more, teenagers need to go through rites of passage. This often includes some cigarette, alcohol and marijuana use. To suspend children from school because they were at a party where there was alcohol makes no sense.
We also teach empowerment by modeling personally powerful behavior. This means we do not act overpowering or intimidating, but rather clear, firm, fair and loving. Many believe that intimidating or asserting our power over teenagers will make them behave the way we want them to. Yet, even if this approach works, the outcome is negative. We must act as police, setting up elaborate systems and rules to keep teenagers in line. Treated as criminals, teenagers fight back and behave in ever more disturbing ways. Worse, we damage our teenagers and decrease the chance they will grow up healthy and happy.